28,500 Miles

Months later, after three trips to Atlanta, one trip to Maryland, and more loneliness and detachment, my ex-wife finally cracked...but sadly, nothing has changed, and I'm feeling more hopeless than ever. Now there have been some good times along the way. I took my son to Atlanta over Labor Day weekend, and he had an absolute blast meeting my wife's family and his many "new" cousins. I rented a real house, not just a crappy little apartment, and my kids have enjoyed having my home and yard to call their own. I took both kids to my parents' house in Maryland for Thanksgiving, at which my 91-year old grandmother finally got to meet my daughter (who is named for her), and we had a fabulous time.

In spite of this, everything else has been horrific. I'll start with the image of the bum boyfriend's car pulled up to the front of my ex's driveway with a "For Sale" sign in the window that greeted me last Sunday night when I rolled up to her house to return the kids after our Thanksgiving trip. Now, one might consider this a good sign--he's gone, so she is dumping his car. But, yet again, nothing can be so simple for the Frequent Father.

Let's pick up the narrative in early September.

My ex emailed me over Labor Day weekend to inform me that she had taken a full-time job, and would be putting the kids in daycare at once. My daughter would spend all day at daycare, and my son would be bused there after school. She apparently came to the conclusion that her boyfriend just couldn't support her financially, and that she would have to go get a job herself in order to keep her life together. I was actually quite happy about this, for two reasons: 1) she would be back in society every day, and maybe would come back to reality, and 2) the kids would be spending less time at home with the bum.

All was well for about a month--I went to work each day, saw my kids every other weekend and at least one weeknight each week, and my wife even came up for a weekend in September to go house hunting, a sign that she was serious about looking to move here. I was starting to feel like everything could finally be OK. You know where this is headed...

I came in to work on the Tuesday following Columbus Day weekend to find an email from my ex stating that she was pulling our kids out of daycare at once and that the bum would stay home with our daughter and our son would be bused home after school. She asserted that our daughter was miserable at daycare and that she would be so much better off at home. I immediately responded by saying that I was absolutely opposed to this, as her boyfriend is an unreformed alcoholic with a recent drunk driving conviction. I added that she couldn't even do this, as our divorce agreement grants us joint say over childcare arrangements. Her response was to agree to send them back to daycare, but that our daughter would go in later in the morning so she didn't have to "get up too early." Presumably, this meant that the bum would be driving her in.

I immediately figured that something must be up, as my daughter had not previously expressed any unhappiness with daycare, and she always seemed upbeat and cheerful when I picked her up. I did some searching and, much to my amazement found that the bum had been arrested for drunk driving AGAIN in August, just five days before his trial for his previous offense (he pled guilty, and is now a convicted criminal). As a result, a hearing was held on the Friday before Columbus Day, at which his driver's license was immediately suspended for three years. I did the math--he lost his license, he couldn't work anymore, they had no money, she had to pull the kids out of daycare.

I called the daycare center, and they confirmed that the bum had indeed been driving our daughter in each morning for the week following the suspension of his license. I was livid. I called my ex to inform her that I knew what was going on, and that the kids would need to return to daycare immediately, or I'd have to take legal action to ensure that they did. After arguing (yet again) that he wasn't actually drunk when he was arrested, citing his tragic medical condition, she eventually relented. I still couldn't believe that she would believe his BS about not being drunk and knowingly put a three-year old in a car with a guy with two drunk driving arrests in the preceding eight months.

A week later, I was awakened at 6:30 AM with a phone call from my ex. Our son was sick, and would have to stay home from school. Her job only pays by the hour, so if she stayed home, she wouldn't get paid. I had previously told her that, if this ever happened, I'd be happy to stay home with him, but was still quite surprised that she would actually take me up on my offer. I figured that her boyfriend must have been too drunk to watch him.

I drove to her house to get the kids, but noticed that my ex hadn't packed a lunch for our daughter--she apparently figured that I would keep both kids at home all day. I figured differently--since my son needed to rest, he would have a much easier time doing that if his three-year old sister wasn't running around. I thus brought both kids to my house, packed her lunch in my lunch bag, and dropped her at daycare. I had previously made arrangements to take my daughter to the library that night, so my plan was to get her from daycare at 5:00, and drop my son off at my ex's house. At 4:00, my ex called, informing me that she was home with our daughter, and that I could come by any time to swap the kids. Very curious...

When I picked up my daughter, she told me (as three-year olds will do) that she had dropped my lunch bag outside the daycare center. I laughed, and drove over to pick it up. The daycare director had my bag, along with a nasty surprise. The director called over one of her employees to occupy my daughter, so she could talk to me in private, saying that she was going to call me at 5:30 when all the kids were gone.

At 3:00 that afternoon, after a day apparently spent drinking alone, the bum had gotten himself so upset that I would dare drop my daughter at daycare when he was perfectly capable of taking care of her. He got in his car, drove to the daycare center, and demanded to take her home. I had previously told the director that, since his license was suspended, she was not to allow either of my kids to get in his car. She observed that he was obviously drunk, and told him to leave. She then went inside to call my ex to tell her what was g0ing on. While she was inside, the bum grabbed my daughter, ran to his car (dropping my lunch bag on the steps on the way out), put her in the FRONT SEAT of his car, and sped off. The director saw this and ran back inside to call the police. Unfortunately, the police didn't beat him home, so they weren't able to arrest him for drunk driving or child endangerment. They did, however, arrest him for driving on a suspended license and violating his bail by drinking.

The worst part of all of this was that my ex tried to keep all of this information from me. This guy had put our very young child in obvious danger, and she didn't feel the need to inform me of it. Worse yet was that she begged the daycare director not to tell me about the incident.

When I returned to my ex's house that evening, I told her that I knew all about what had happened, and asked her what she was going to do about it. She simply responded, "he's gone." I asked, "what do you mean, he's gone? Gone for good?" Her answer told me that he would be back, as she said, "If he can get himself 100% sober, then I will take him back." I told her that she was in denial and needed to get real. She slammed the door in my face.

The next evening, I called my ex to discuss things further, and she had clearly already stepped back from the "he's gone" declaration. I told her that, if she would sign an agreement that he would never see the kids again, I would keep the courts out of the picture, but if she wouldn't do that, then I would have to take legal action to ensure that he never again put our kids in danger. She refused, saying that he was a wonderful man, and was just an innocent victim of his medical condition. Over the next few days she sent me insane emails, "explaining" his condition in detail and assuring me that he was never drunk at any of the four times he had been arrested for being drunk in the preceding months.

I was left with no choice but to take action. But what action? At first, I told myself that I had to go for custody, to get the kids away from their crazy-ass mother who would protect her drunk boyfriend rather than protect her kids. I fantasized about having the judge award the kids to me so I could get the hell out of Maine once and for all and start a new life in Atlanta. But three things kept me from doing this. First and foremost, I asked myself if my daughter was really better off being wrenched away from her mother. She's three. She still breastfeeds. She gets upset if she goes a day away from her mommy. I know that her mother put her in a dangerous situation, but I couldn't live with causing this emotional damage to her. Second, my wife and I feared for our safety if I went for custody, as we felt that my ex and her boyfriend could turn violent. I was asking my wife to move up here with her daughter--what if my effort to protect my kids resulted in her kid getting hurt? Third, my odds of winning weren't all that great, and I couldn't justify the monetary and emotional toll for something that was likely to fail.

I instead decided to file a motion to find her in contempt of our divorce agreement, and to modify the agreement to bar the bum from living with the kids or having contact with them. I told my attorney that my real goal is to have a judge look my ex in the eye, wag a finger at her and tell her that she endangered her children and would lose them if she did it again. The motion is pending. We'll see what happens.

Back to the present, the car for sale was indeed a sign of the worst. After a month in jail, the bum got released and she immediately took him back. She claims that he's magically 100% sober, and is serious about staying sober this time. After all, he's accepted that he can't drive, so he's selling the car. I don't quite understand her defenses of this guy, but she's going to defend him to the death, and there's nothing I can do about that.

So where does that leave the Frequent Father? The disaster that I always predicted/feared actually happened, and yet nothing has changed. I have no idea if my legal action will produce any results, but I'm not all that optimistic. In the meantime, this lowlife got drunk, snatched my three-year old daughter from preschool, and drove drunk with her while already being suspended for two previous drunk driving arrests...and there he is, living in the house with my kids again. I've come to the conclusion that someone is going to have to be killed (or at least maimed) before I am able to do anything to change the situation.

Meanwhile, I am growing more miserable living in Maine, in spite of being near my kids. My job is terrible, and doesn't even pay enough to cover my bills (thanks to losing 30% of my income to child support), and I have no prospects of getting anything better here. It seems like every week my ex does something else to drive me nuts, and I find myself obsessing about her every action, even though I can't do anything to stop her. My wife is on course to move here in less than 30 days, but I don't even want her to come. Why have her come here to a place that I don't even want to be, where I have no career, no family, and no close friends, when I can be with her in Atlanta, get a good job, and have a good life?

I hate to say it, but returning to being the Frequent Father may have to be the answer. I have realized through this whole year that, no matter what, my kids will love me and I will always be Daddy to them, no matter how often I see them. Even now, with me living 15 minutes away, the bum is the primary male in their lives each day, and I am seeing them at most 4 days each month, and for an hour or two on an occasional weeknight. So for the other 27 days each month, they are not with me, and I am alone, miserable, and in a dead-end and low-paying job. What's better for the kids? Seeing me more, but having me be miserable and poor, or seeing me less, but having me be prosperous, healthy, and happy? I'm afraid the answer to that question lies 1,100 miles away.