Thursday, March 1, 2012

67,000 Miles

I try to be a good example to my kids, as they get plenty of bad examples from their mother. Many months ago, after missing my son's test for his purple belt in karate, I promised him that the next time he tested for a belt I would be there to see it. Well, during my prior visit to Maine, his sensei informed me that the belt test would be taking place in two weeks' time. I freaked out. I mean, I was already here, and had no plane ticket, rental car, or hotel reservation, at surely it would be ungodly expensive to come up that soon. But I wasn't going to miss this--not when I had promised it to my son.

Luck was on my side. I had amassed enough real frequent flier miles (frequent father miles aren't redeemable for material rewards) to get a one-way free ticket to Portland, and the other half of the trip was affordable. I got a $15/day rental car and a $45 rate at the Doubletree thanks to William Shatner and his friends at Priceline. So I did get to see the belt test, and I can't express how happy and proud I was to be there in person. Again, living this way makes something that most parents just take for granted into a major accomplishment.

Unfortunately for my son, his mother again set a poor example. When I found out that the test was on, I called my ex brother-in-law to tell him, as my ex-wife only occasionally speaks to him, but I knew he wanted to be there. Well, word got around that he knew about it and she was furious at him for committing the cardinal sin of talking to me (i.e., the enemy). So instead of coming to support her son, she once again put her petty personal needs first, and decided to skip the belt test to spite her brother. This all just reinforced for me why I had to be there.

The downside of this visit was that it forced me to wait six weeks for my next visit, which is the outer limit of my usual spacing. I already had plans to come back to Maine in late March for my son's 8th birthday--which will be a whole 'nother saga--so after this early February visit, there wasn't going to be time or money for another trip in between. This long stretch of time between visits, which is only halfway done, is, as it usually does, ripping me to shreds. I found myself cruising Craigslist this evening to see what menial, low-paying jobs might be available for me in Maine, actually letting myself consider the possibility of leaving my good paying, professional gig in Virginia for something like that. It's not a good habit.

Meanwhile my current wife and I have done four months in our latest chapter of long-distance relationships. Since we got back together 30 months ago, we have lived in the same place for 16 months and lived in different places for 14 months. By the time she moves up to Virginia in two more months it will be evenly split at 16-16. I try to remind myself of this, because we have been fighting quite a bit over the past few weeks. Things are so stressful right now that I am having a hard time picturing a time when everything will calm down, and we'll actually get to unpack our boxes in a home that we will share with each other, her daughter and--at least for the summer--my two kids. I have said some terrible things to her out of frustration and have a rough time controlling my temper. I'm going to Atlanta for the weekend to visit her daughter and her (I guess that makes me the Frequent Stepfather) and am hopeful that actually being in the same house for two days will take some of the pressure out of the balloon.

At the end of the month we'll all converge on Maine for the weekend to celebrate my son's birthday together. Three months later the five of us will all be together for the summer in the same place, hopefully enjoying a great few weeks as---dare I say it?--a family. Just writing those words and thinking about how it will be has lowered the pressure gauge a bit. I don't know if having a sustained period of time together in the summer will sustain me better throughout the rest of the year or not, but I have to believe that it might.